The 2015 Oscar ceremony wrap-up – THIS IS NOT A TEST #10 (transcript)

Published February 28, 2015

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It rained like hell the afternoon of the Oscars, but that couldn’t put a damper on Hollywood’s spirit and deep-seated need to congratulate itself. The soggy red carpet was awash in glamour and style – and speaking of style, did you get a look at those tuxedos? Wow! They all had jackets and pants and shirts and shiny shoes – it was a fashion lover’s paradise I tell you. If I was clever I’d find some kind of old-timey audio filter to make that part sound like a 1940s radio broadcast. But THIS IS NOT ATEST, and I am your humble servant Michael Phillips – I ain’t that clever.

I’m mocking the men, but I don’t understand most of the dresses either. It’s as if glamorous Hollywood style or fashion was created 50 or 60 or 70 years ago and everyone just shrugged and said, “yeah, that’s good enough for…forever.” Which pretty much sums up the Oscars in general, but we’ll get to that.

I have a question for the media that covers these things – or anything that is going to involve interviewing dozens of different people – and that is this: why the hell don’t you put a body microphone on the chuckleheads who are performing the interviews? Are they too expensive? Things tough over there at the network? Stick a body mic on the person doing the interviews so they don’t have to swish the handheld mic back and forth missing half of the interviewees comments. Come on, man. Do I have to solve all of your problems? How many years have they been doing this, and they haven’t yet figured out how to use two microphones?

And while we’re still on the red carpet and not yet inside the splendid Dolby Theater, how unnatural does the posing look when you see it in full motion? All of the women – and most of the men – know how to stand and arrange their bodies to make a good looking photograph, but when you watch them do it live it looks like they are playing air-Twister or preparing for some sort of gymnastic routine.

So okay, the award thing itself. 60 different movies nominated, 24 awards given – 3 hours and 40 minutes. Really? Sure. And what fills most of that 3 hours and 40 minutes? Show tunes! Somewhere, sometime in the last century, the people who invented TV didn’t know what the hell to put on it, so they used things they already know from pre-TV times like radio soap operas and Broadway shows! Oh, everyone loves a good Broadway show, right? Everyone loves to see dancers, just dozens and dozens of dancers dancing about and being wonderful. Oh my god, what entertainment! Maybe the rest of humanity finds broadway-style dancing to be really awesome entertainment and I’m just a savage who can’t appreciate it. But I can’t be alone, can I? Can I? I hate to break it to you Broadway – I’m not entertained.

And to take a step away from the Oscars or TV for a minute, what’s up with the dancers in pop music concerts? If it’s one thing pop music needs to hold a teenager’s interest, it’s dancers! The more the better. Because it’s show business, not music. no pop singer can step onto a stage alone or with a band. even the hippity hoppers surround themselves with dancers. Why? Choreographed dance has been a part of a lot of pop music for a long time. But back in the day the band would be doing the choreography. And they kept it to a minimum. They’d bust out a move in unison now and then and you’d laugh because it was preposterous and kind of cool.

But now the dancers are part of the package. dancers who don’t do anything but dance. They don’t bring anything else to the table. Why is that? Come on man, you can’t tell me that most people who watch a TV show or a concert are enthralled by dance. I’m not buying it. You could probably make an argument for it at this point as being a valid, or at least accepted, part of the sort of concerts teenagers go to – go ahead. I don’t care because I don’t have to go to those things. but what possible justification could there be for having dance routines during award shows? That’s a rhetorical question because there is no justification for it. The justification is “that’s how it’s always been,” or “that’s what people expect to see on the Oscars!” Which pretty much sums up why Hollywood – or at least the 70 year old white men who make up the bulk of The Academy – are creatively bankrupt. All they know how to do is repeat and recycle. Once every 20 years someone innovates, and that person rarely has any immediate effect on Hollywood. Another decade has to pass before everyone feels comfortable enough to copy the decade old innovation. Which by that time is no longer innovation at all.

Oh my, this is a terrible Oscar wrap-up. I should move on to the actual nominees and awards, shouldn’t I? Stop criticizing! That’s not what HOLLYWOOD is about!

The first award was for supporting actor in a bunch of movies I didn’t see, so I don’t care who won. Not to spoil the wrap-up, but I don’t care who won any of these things, and of the 60 nominated movies, I saw…one. The Grand Budapest Hotel, and I only saw that because it was on HBO one day while I happened to be sitting in front of the TV, and I figure anything Wes Anderson does is worth a look. It isn’t always good, and it’s becoming a bit repetitive, but it’s worth a look.

Okay, so best Supporting actor…Robert Duvall…a cool guy, Ethan Hawke…probably a cool guy…seems like an okay sort, Edward Norton…same, Mark Ruffalo…no idea who that is, and the winner: J.K. Simmons, star of TV commercials and the old HBO prison rape show OZ. Now I’d give J.K. the statue just for OZ, but he got it for some movie where it looks like he plays the same character he did on OZ: a brutal scumbag. So six of one, half dozen of the other. J.K.’s speech went like this: “Blah blah blah, I love my wife.”

Next up was best Costume design. Here’s the first of many categories hardly anyone cares about. There are some categories no one cares about, so best Costume design isn’t the worst of the bunch. But if you know anything about this category, you know that the same people win all the time and you’ve never heard of any of them. I had a girlfriend who worked in costume design on movies and she didn’t even care who won this. So let’s move on.

Best Makeup and hair styling – okay. Another one that no one cares about. Here’s a little secret: the best makeup for a movie is makeup that makes the actors look like human beings. Everything else is like pouring maple syrup over a donut. Unnecessary. You never heard of the nominees so it doesn’t matter who won.

Ah, here we go: best Foreign language film. You never saw any of them, no one did. When I moved out here to Los Angeles five hundred years ago I didn’t have a car or any money, so I’d ride my rickety beach cruiser bike from Venice up to Santa Monica and I’d go to the Laemelle theater on weekdays and pick a movie at random to see for a buck or two. Most of those were foreign films, and you know what? Almost every one of them was good and interesting and some of them were little masterpieces. But I was usually the only one in the theater on a Thursday at 1:00 in the afternoon. Maybe people went at other times, you know, the times when people who have jobs go to movies. But having the place mostly to myself made me think no one really cared about those movies, and I don’t think that was an unreasonable conclusion at the time. And looking around now there are even fewer theaters that show those kinds of movies, so I think it’d be a stretch to say their popularity has increased. “Oh, mjp, you’re so wrong! What about Netflix and Amazon? You can see and endless amount of foreign films on there!” Sure you can. Name the last three you watched.

All right, what’s next? Tegan and Sara. Everything Is Awesome. Lego Movie. Oh, and those overrated “dick in a box” guys from Saturday Night Live. Wait – did you hear what I said? Lego Movie. It didn’t even phase you, did it, Lego Movie? Because it doesn’t seem utterly ridiculous to anyone that there is a Lego Movie. But it is. And if you watched it, you’re two hours closer to death with nothing to show for it. congratulations. I had to look up Tegan and Sara to find out who they were and the first description I saw said “independent” artists…really? Is the Lego Movie “indie” now? Is money really so important to every performer who steps onto any stage now, so god damned important that they leave their souls at home? Or just sell them outright to Lenovo or LG to be incorporated into the next generation of smart refrigerators?

it used to be called selling out, and that’s not a quaint old term that doesn’t hold any meaning anymore. Not selling out is the only real independence any creative person has. Not selling out allows you to be critical when it’s necessary, and not only when it doesn’t offend someone who is writing you a check. Not selling out means you get to swing your integrity around like Dirk Digglers rubber dick. And if you haven’t sold out you should be proud of your integrity, because you’re one of a dying breed. We’ve incorporated and normalized selling and commercials into popular culture to such an extent that kids now aspire to endorse products. As if that’s the pinnacle of cultural relevance. Actors who appeared in commercials used to be ridiculed and pitied for not being able to get a real acting job. Singers or bands who appeared in ads were immediately deemed inauthentic tools of the man. And that wasn’t a long time ago. In a world where everyone is a shill, where do you turn for authenticity? You have to turn back in time, which is why you see so many kids glomming on to old music or old technology. Because in their world nothing is authentic. There’s nothing and no one to believe in.

All right, best Live action short film. I love this category because no one knows where the hell you can see any of these. Where does one go to enjoy short films? The Sundance channel? IFC? At two in the morning? I really like the short film genre, but they’re really cult fetish items. They get an Oscar because it’s the Motion Picture Academy and they have to awards to Motion Pictures. But how pissed would you be if you spent 12 years making something like Boyhood and didn’t get an Oscar, but some asshole who spent two days shooting and three days editing a short takes home a statue. I’ll answer that for you, you’d be pretty pissed, and justifiably so.

Best Documentary short subject is the same thing. Only even more obscure and difficult to see. So the less said about that, the better.

Next on the big show, some pop country guy sang a really bad Glen Campbell song. I get it, Glen has Alzheimer and that’s a shame, but that song stinks. There are dozens of great Glen Campbell songs that pop country man could have sung. But this is The Oscars so why stop pandering now. Sing the crappy one that Glen wrote when half his mind was gone. It will make everyone cry. What a load of shit.

Whoo…this is exhausting. time for a break. That’s what they say on the Oscar show when they whip out the little montage of images from the scientific and technical awards. Those awards are held in a Marriott conference room somewhere out by the airport two weeks before the real Oscars. Which is kind of fucked up when you consider that the full name of the organization that hands out the Oscars is The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences. It’s also pretty fucked up when you consider that the technology they use to make and show movies is much more interesting than most of the movies that technology makes possible. I’d much rather see ten minutes about someone who invented some crazy new camera or something than Doogie Howser making awkward jokes about a lock box holding his Oscar predictions.

And speaking of the nerd awards, they do spread some out into the big Oscar show, and best Sound mixing is one of them. Very important thing, the sound mix – though you might expect me to say that – but it is. The movies – all of them – would look like birthday videos your grandfather made without the benefit of good sound. But no one knows what sound mixing is, so this is one where people usually go to the bathroom or fix another drink. Same with best Sound editing, which is equally important to the ultimate success of a movie, but also equally boring to virtually everyone watching the show.

But the next thing we saw – well, now it’s getting good. Patricia Arquette won for Best Supporting Actress and it was great. It was great because I like her, she’s crazy and it’s almost uncomfortable to watch her in anything because she’s got some weird vibe going that just makes you afraid. I love that, and she was great in Boardwalk Empire. I’d give her the award just for that perpetually sweaty performance. But what was really cool about her winning was her breathless, stumbly speech about equal rights for women.

First let’s get one thing straight – if there’s one thing Hollywood cares less about than people with skin darker then theirs, it’s women. So to use a once in a lifetime speech in front of a billion people to call out your industry – and the country you live in – takes guts. It’s also unexpected, and truly unexpected moments in scripted shows like these are exciting. Remember seeing Sinead O’Connor tear up that picture of the pope? When you saw that you said, “What the fuck just happened?” didn’t you.

Remember when Marlon Brando sent Sacheen Littlefeather up in his place – not to accept his Oscar, but to refuse it? And to lecture people about the American Indian Movement? Oh Jesus, it doesn’t get any better than that. Patricia Arquette is no Sacheen Littlefeather, but using that stage to make any kind of statement is always appreciated. By me, anyway.

Speaking of Sacheen Littlefeather, what’s up with Europeans saying the “discovered” America? People had lived here for 10,000 years when the country was “discovered.” Some of the same people crouching in the caves of Europe decided to take a walk – or got kicked out of the cave – and crossed the Bering strait and said, “Hey, it’s pretty cool here, there’s a lot to eat and we don’t have to put up with those fuckers from the old cave.” The only difference in how the two progressed is the euro cave people got around to studying science, or what passed for science in those days, while the American cave people studied the earth and nature. The ones who stayed behind figured they had become smarter, because of their great “discoveries” and “inventions,” but who’s to say that the group that went and studied nature didn’t also discover a lot of things that the other group didn’t. Ask anyone who’s dropped acid, they’ll tell you there are insights to be gained from discovering your place in the universe, or believing you’ve discovered your place in the universe. And really, believing is truth for most of us, so believe away.

And speaking of dropping acid, the next academy award was for Best Visual Effects. Like makeup, the best visual effects are the ones that look natural. But what people mean now when they talk about visual effects is using computers to make people look like lizards or to make spaceships that don’t look like pie tins suspended from fishing line. Which perfectly serves an industry that does little more than make live action comic book stories. But for a real movie, a good movie, the visual effects are minimal if not completely unnecessary to telling the story. So no one needs to know anything about the Best Visual Effects winner.

And speaking of comic books and what most people will accept as entertainment, we come to the best Animated short film category – also known as, “time to make another drink.” When you sit down with your fresh drink, imagine you won an award along with two or three or ten other people and you all went up there to accept, but that one person hogged the mic the whole time – there’s always one person in those crowds who does that – and you had to lean in and shout your wife’s name while the “get off the stage” music was getting louder and louder. That has to be disappointing.

But not as disappointing as the best Animated feature film award. This is an award for a really long cartoon for kids based on a product that they want to sell those kids, or some kind of computer animation that is really still for kids but is supposed to appeal to those of us who are more than six years old. I’m told that computer animation has come a long way, but when I see the latest in animation, it looks just like it did 20 years ago. And that is like some 3D computer model of things moving around under water. For some reason, the early computer animators felt that making things move smoothly and then kind of subtly bounce back and forth at the end of every movement was the height of realism. Which it is, if every movement is supposed to be under water. Up on dry land though, very few things move that way. Fields of wheat when viewed from a distance, maybe, but that’s about it. If movies are storytelling, none of the animation that is foisted onto us passes muster. Put live actors into any animated film script and shoot it and release it and people would look at it and say, “What do you think I am, an idiot? Is this movie for idiots? Why did you show it to me, I’m not an idiot!” So as you may have guessed, I didn’t see any of the nominated films in this category, but I suppose one of them won.

Now, Best Production Design. Here is a category that actually has something to do with the success or failure of a movie. But unlike the sound categories, more people will actually notice what the production designers and set dressers do, because they create the world that the movie story takes place in. The winner in this category was The Grand Budapest Hotel, and since that’s the one nominated movie I saw, I can say that the production design was decent. It really looked like an old hotel – or a Wes Anderson version of an old hotel anyway – but in reality a lot of it was shot in an old department store in Germany somewhere. And again, the best production design is design that isn’t up in your face – the kind of thing where if the camera panned out and you saw that it was a bunch of temporary walls built on a soundstage you’d say, “Damn, I really thought that was a prison, or a flophouse or grandma’s porch.” That’s not what you get in a Wes Anderson movie – you get hyper hipster “realism” – but it’s an award and someone has to win it.

So next was the Best Cinematography category, and this is where it’s at. Here’s the brass tacks, baby, this is where the rubber meets the road. If movies can be boiled down to three things they are story, acting and photography. Forget the director. The director doesn’t do anything. The first assistant director and the cinematographer could lock the director in a porta-john with a teacup full of cocaine and make the movie themselves. The cinematographer and the lighting director create the look of the film. Despite their importance, no one knows who they are, so when one of them starts an Oscar acceptance speech everyone in the theater just kind of stares into space and their minds wander to what they’re going to eat after the show because they haven’t eaten in two weeks.

Now at this point in the show came the death reel. It’s the part that you watch and say, “Oh he died? She died? I had no idea.” It’s a weird segment with its sappy funeral home music and list of people who worked in marketing and cutting the grass on the studio lot but leaves out people who actually were recognizable names like Taylor Nergron and Joan Rivers. How the hell can you leave out Joan Rivers but include the guy who did the accounting at Paramount 20 years ago? Who writes this shit? Or a better question might be, does anyone write this shit?

After the death reel some star search girl came out and sang a song meant to make everyone feel sad and blue, and it may have succeeded in doing that for some of you. For the rest of us, it was just more vanilla pudding on top of rice and white bread. More nothing. More whipped cream for the old age home.

Okay. Yeah. Best Film Editing. Honestly, I don’t know how these people do their jobs. It’s all digital now, but imagine that you show up for work tomorrow and whatever it is you do, someone has given you a hundred different versions of it and left a note on your desk that says, “Here, make sense of this.” That’s a film editor. 20 different versions of every take, every angle, every precious Johnny Depp fart – it’s a mountain of film – or digital files – and the editor has to take it all and make it into something that makes at least a little bit of sense. Yeah, I don’t know how they do it, but that’s probably why there’s an award for it. They should all get an award, just for sitting in a room with a director for a couple months at a time.

Did you know that when a film is cut down after its release, like for TV or to remove the plane crash jokes so it can be shown on Jet Blue, that the editor doesn’t do that? Some kid with a scissors or a mouse does it. Just some random jerkoff. That has to drive editors crazy. Someone just coming along whistling a happy tune and taking the axe to something you sweat over for weeks and weeks. Just chopping it up, gluing it back together in roughly the correct order and sitting back with a big smile and saying, “Giddyup! Where’s the next one?”

Same thing happens all the time in music. You figure that when you finish a mix, that’s it. Your wonderful vision, preserved for eternity. Usually it’s preserved for a few days or a week before someone gets their crusty fingers all over it and fucks it all up. But that’s a discussion for the Grammys, which I don’t watch, so you’ll have to have that discussion with someone else.

And up next: Best Documentary Feature. Now there’s one in this category that we have on our list at Amazon but just haven’t gotten around to watching yet, and that’s Finding Vivian Maier. The winner here was Citizen Four, which we watched on HBO the night after the Oscars. It was boring. A terrible documentary that takes place mainly in a hotel room. Which only goes to show you that just because something is historically significant doesn’t mean it’s interesting. It probably could have been made interesting, but apparently not by the director who made it. Yawn, snoozer. The trailer for Finding Vivian Maier is about ten times better than the entire Citizen Four movie. I watch a lot of documentaries. probably more documentaries than scripted movies, so I know how they go. And I know it doesn’t take much to crank out an interesting documentary. They’re all over the place. But the academy chooses the most boring one. Or maybe they don’t even choose, you know. Can those old men even watch all of these things?

They don’t even go to screenings anymore. They get the movies in the mail. That’s been going on for a long time. I knew someone who voted for the Oscars and she was getting “screeners” – that’s what they call them because every industry has to make up new names for common things in order to sound like they’re doing something – anyway, she got screeners on VHS tape. Then they went out on DVD and now if you’re a member of the academy who votes for Oscars you get a URL and password and everything is downloaded or streamed. The point being that the voters don’t even have to get up off of their couches or out of their hospital beds to see these movies, but you can tell by the results of some of these votes that they certainly didn’t watch the nominated movies. They couldn’t have. They’re just checking boxes and sticking the ballot in the mail. Well I suppose the ballot is on line too now. Is that going to be the next headline making data breach? “HACKERS BREAK IN TO ACADEMY SERVERS, SPONGBOB SQUAREPANTS WINS BEST FILM OF THE YEAR.”

Oh me oh my…oh lordy…I hesitate to continue, since the subject is about to turn to music, but I’ve come this far, may as well keep going.

Listen, it’s not easy to write a great song. It’s not easy to write a good song. You certainly can’t sit down and write one on purpose. “Okay, here I go, time to write a great song.” That’s not how it works. They just kind of come into being through a mix or luck and inspiration, and it helps if you write a lot of songs…you know, the law of averages. So I’m not blaming anyone here for not writing a great song. But on the other hand, using a formula to churn out something that you know will have a certain effect on a lot of people just seems cynical and lazy. And rewarding someone for churning out something like that is also lazy.

That being said – if you’re a musician and ever wrote a song you know that there are a lot of formulas you can use in every kind of music. One of those formulas in pop music is “the uplifting ballad.” It’s all about chord changes and key changes and it’s all very calculated and formulaic. Just slap on some sappy words and viola! Oscar winning ballad. So yeah, Best Original Song. The winner was a paint by the numbers song called Glory in Selma that Common and John Legend performed with a huge cast of extras. Awful formula song aside, it was cool to hear John Legend tell it like it is when he said in his speech, “Selma is now, because the struggle for justice is right now.” Words like that – or like Patricia Arquette’s – are aimed right at the cold black heart of the Hollywood machine. Yet the Hollywood machine loves to hear things like that because they think that by allowing the girls and the coloreds have their say that they are demonstrating how enlightened and progressive they are. That’s how blind and clueless Hollywood is. How about you give a motherfucker a job instead, Hollywood? “Whoa – heh heh heh – now don’t be rash! We let them speak, we’re not going to hire them!”

Anyway, the glory song had people standing up in the audience with tears rolling down their cheeks…how drunk were they? How drunk did they want to be when Lady Gaga came out singing songs from The Sound of Music. With a straight face. When I was a kid I loved Alice Cooper. I thought they were dangerous and disgusting and wild and I wanted them to be my rock and roll uncles or something. Then after the band broke up and Alice went on to be solo Alice Cooper, with the dancers and the show and hitting golf balls on the Mike Douglas show, I felt I’d been duped and conned. And I can only imagine that’s how the kids who weep mascara tears at Lady Gaga concerts must have felt last Sunday night when she showed her true performing arts high school colors. Yeah, I know, she sang with Tony Bennett, but somehow Tony Bennett is kind of cool. Their songs together are awful, but there’s still something kind of absurd about it, which is why it’s still kind of a rock and roll move. But singing songs from The Sound of Music – with a straight face – and that god awful pseudo-operetic Julie Andrews 1960s wonder bread kind of voice…there ain’t nothing cool about that, Lady. Bring back the meat dress. At least that stink was genuine.

Now here’s one for you: Best Original Score. A film score is what musicians call “noodling.” It’s just aimlessly dicking around on your instrument. Warming up before you really play something. Record any musician of any skill level doing that and you have a film score. If the score isn’t noodling it’s just another version of that shit from star wars. All trumpets and cocaine and nothing to do with music. You know the music they play when people are walking to the podium to accept their award? That’s best original score music. Blah. They played Moon River when someone was walking up fer chrissakes. Next!

Best Original Screenplay. A screenplay is like a short novel written by a teenager high on whip-its the night before an assignment is due. That’s all we need to say here.

Then came best Adapted screenplay. An adapted screenplay is like an original screenplay, only someone already wrote it before the teenagers got to it. Okay, that only applies to 99% of the movies made in Hollywood. That 99% uses a formula, just like the musicians. Only the screenwriter’s formula is three acts, character arc, blah blah blah. But if the elements of a good movie are story, acting and photography, then the screenplay has to figure in there somewhere. A good screenplay has good dialogue. And writing good dialogue is a rare talent, which is why most movies fall short. Take a great actor and stick bad dialogue into their mouth and you get a lousy actor. If a movie seems like a believable little piece of real life, it’s because the dialogue was well written. Or the actors were improvising a lot. Either way, dialogue is everything. So hats off to the three good screenwriters out there. I’m sure none of them were nominated.

Best Director. Well, we’ve already established that the majority of directors don’t do anything, but this is one of the big awards for Oscar. Now, Birdman won, and as you might have guessed I haven’t seen that, but I’ve seen little bits of it and it looks like the work of a good director and cinematographer. So congratulations to those guys, whoever they are. I’ll bet Richard Linklater, the guy who spent 13 years making Boyhood, really thought he was going to win. Boyhood is a gimmick movie and Hollywood generally likes those. But Boyhood didn’t make a lot of money, and Hollywood really, really doesn’t like that. You can be a Nazi or a cannibal, and as long as you make money for them, Hollywood will love you. But if you don’t make money for them, you may as well be washing their cars or cleaning up their dog’s shit.

Best Lead Actor. We were watching the clips of these guys saying, “I have no idea,” until the winner’s clip was shown. as soon as I saw it I said, “There’s your winner!” because Hollywood will always, without fail, dump awards on anyone who plays a cripple. Listen, I know we aren’t supposed to say cripple. The cripples don’t like it. Just kidding. Jesus, don’t jump out of your pants. I say “plays a cripple” because that’s how everyone in Hollywood who talks about the actor or the movie talks about it. Cripples and retards. Especially the old men in the academy. They call each other on their phones that plug into the wall and they say, “What about Best Actor? I like the kid who plays the cripple…what’s his name? Was he a retard or a cripple? I didn’t follow the story.” And that’s that. Congratulations Eddie Redmayne. And Ernest Borgnine and Daniel Day-Lewis. And Dustin Hoffman. And Geoffrey Rush. And Tom Hanks. And Al Pacino. And Jamie Foxx (hey, who let that black guy in here?).

Ah Hollywood, so unpredictable! so awesome! Everything is awesome!

Best Lead Actress. I forget who won, but Reese Witherspoon was nominated and she made a big stink before the ceremony with a hashtag: #ASK HER MORE. It was meant to get the puppet-heads standing on the red carpet holding the microphones to ask women more that just “Who are you wearing?” Now I like Reese Witherspoon, and I admire her trying to make a feminist stink – it’s punk rock – but insisting that people ask you about something other than the $10,000 dress you’re wearing while you’re wearing it is kind of like going in to a zoo with a Koala bear on your head and saying, “Don’t talk to me about the Koala bear!” She’s asking the incredibly stupid people who stand on that carpet shouting “Who are you wearing?!” to pose serious questions to her and other women who are stopping for 30 seconds on their way into an awards show. #ASK HER MORE, yes. But maybe the Oscars isn’t the ideal venue for that, sister.

Next up was the last award of the evening, The Best Picture Oscar. But I didn’t see it because the recording cut off right after the Best Actress award. When I was programming the show into the DVR it warned me…it said, “This is a live show, you want to add some extra time?” and I said, yeah, good idea…it always goes long. Add half an hour. It can’t go more than half an hour over the three hour running time. But of course it did. So I don’t know who won best picture. I have no way of finding out. We don’t get the newspaper, so I guess I’ll never know.

And look at this, this thing is running longer than my usual 25 or 30 minutes. See what the Oscars do to you? They suck you into their world and make you think it’s normal!