Earth's most beloved podcast

THIS IS NOT A TEST with Michael Jerome Phillips


THIS IS NOT A TEST, with your pal and confidant Michael Jerome Phillips

Skipping a Beat

Well, I missed the first Saturday of the month again.

Do you know what PHP is?

No? Consider yourself lucky.

PHP is one of the things I use to build most of the websites I’ve built over the past 24 or 25 years. That and MySQL databases. The thing is, the PHP I’m in the habit of using is 24 or 25 years old. I kind of like to learn something once and then forget about it.

As you might imagine, when it comes to web technology, that’s not so good.

So the gods of PHP are taking away some of those old versions, as they should, and the host where my websites live is involuntarily updating all the sites to versions that aren’t obsolete very soon.

Which is a good thing, of course. Unless you run a bunch of sites on those obsolete versions. Like I do. So I’m updating as fast as I can before they update me against my will. Because an involuntary update before I get a chance to fix a lot of things will break the sites. So it’s in my interest to fix them. You know, if I want them to keep working.

Blah, blah, blah. Who cares? I don’t blame you if you don’t. I wouldn’t if I didn’t have to.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been doing instead of posting another finely crafted, world-class podcast. Honestly, I’ve been so busy with it that I didn’t even realize I’d missed a podcast until yesterday.

I will be back before you know it. Assuming, of course, that the world is still here and there’s still an internet. Neither is a given these days, so fingers crossed.

Okay, stay glamourous. As you can see, I’m doing my part. You have to hold up your end of the bargain.

not a test indeed

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Boys Names That Start With the Letter M

What’s in a name? Everything, apparently. Let’s talk about names. And maybe accidentally touch on Google, bread lines, band flyers, getting married and losing your identity, inventing names, self-fulfilling prophecies, a heart surgeon named Becky, serial killers, recording studios, videos, Led Zeppelin, Dynasty hairdos, Target smocks, Devo, subversion, eating on $2 a day, cages, Sonny and Cher, and dog bites.

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THIS IS NOT A TEST podcast - Boys Names That Start With the Letter M

Transcript

Dropping Propaganda From My Helicopter in the Sky

Spring brings the Western Tanager, Earth Day, The Flintstones, Vietnam, food from the future, whales, protest, unenlightenment, the tools of oppression, laws, tribes, DNA, COVID, the great Liberal machine, foxes, lizards, cocktails, misdirection, the CDC, guano, mankind, newspuppets, the solution to everything, Girl Scout cookies, the pendulum, chipmunks, pretty shoes, Questlove, Santana, the Monkees, and coyotes.

Links mentioned in the episode:
Hard to Handle: The Life and Death of the Black Crowes
Mo’ Meta Blues: The World According to Questlove
The Universal Tone: Bringing My Story to Light

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THIS IS NOT A TEST episode 108

Transcript

I Got No Friends ‘Cause They Read the Papers

It’s springtime, so let’s talk about…COVID-19? That discussion is unavoidable, yes, but don’t forget about jackrabbits, owls, coyotes, hazmat, malaria medicine, sensitivity, self-fulfilling prophesy, mascara, gourds, bunkers, Coven, Bob Marley, Aussie twats, an abundance of caution, social distancing, paid vacations, ramen noodles, toilet paper, Instagram, water, karaoke, skin, national parks, desert tortoises, ravens, garbage, grapes, Los Angeles, the death of ideological conservatism, Quaking Aspen, selling your soul, The Day The Earth Stood Still, bullets, President Clinton the second, wigs, and one love.

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THIS IS NOT A TEST episode 107

Transcript

SCIENTISTS VERIFY THAT WORLDWIDE CORONAVIRUS HYSTERIA IS COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED! ALL WILL DIE! REPEAT: ALL WILL DIE! LISTEN NOW TO LEARN HOW TO SURVIVE!

Terrified of catching a cold? Don’t be, I’ve got you covered. Calm yourself by listening to my reassuring voice lulling you into an alpha wave-rich state of near catatonia by talking about hawks, burritos, cruise ships, toilet paper, Ira Glass, Portlandia, the death of half of the human race, super Tuesday, civil war, collapsed roofs, machines in the garage, politics and humanity, idiots, SEO, more idiots, writing for an audience of noodles, rules, rules, and more rules, some more idiots, removing the hair from around your nipples – wait, I didn’t talk about that, I was just thinking about it – college professors, Google, content, deplorables, cookies, complaining, cereal boxes, and a public service announcement.

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THIS IS NOT A TEST episode 106 - how to survive the Coronavirus

Transcript

Go Fly a Kite and Other Mild Insults

Hi, remember me? I thought you might like to talk about dogs, jobs, moms, flying kites and Jolly Rogers, sleeping on pool tables, corn, Mai Tais with Buddha, white Christmas, metadata, Showtime at The Apollo, which Sex in the City character are you?, getting old, Christmas music, Van Morrison, The Wailers, fistfights, puppetheads, Joe Strummer, particles, white people, Survivor, Trevy, patois, Rastafari, appreciation vs. appropriation, Cross Colours jackets, why you should stop telling people you’re a DJ, and propane in the membrane.

Links mentioned in the episode:
mjp Books

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Jolly Roger kites rule

Transcript

Here We Are Again on the First Saturday of the Month

And here I am again telling you, “Not this time, hombre.”

I was looking forward to speaking to you today, but some savage bastard a dentist ripped a molar out of my head a few days ago, and non-essential talking isn’t a super attractive prospect at the moment.

Besides, I just got my nails did, and I’m not about to fuck them up working dials and microphones and what have you. Please.

got my nails did